sHeNzEe's wOrLd: hump day humor

Showing posts with label hump day humor. Show all posts

HDH Week #27: Cowboys

>> Wednesday, August 27

More humor here!

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brught to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ahd be mighty grateful ifn yood play Achy Breaky Heart fur me bahfore ah hafta go." "Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, whats your last request?" "That you kill me first."

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A cowboy rode into town ...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

HDH Week 26: Lawyers

>> Wednesday, August 20

More jokes?! Click here! Yes here!

Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

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Client oath

HDH Week 25: Blondes

>> Tuesday, August 12

Think this post is funny? Click here for more!

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

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A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

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There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

HDH Week 23: Getting Older

>> Wednesday, July 30

Getting older could be fun.. Click here!

YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your back goes out, but you stay home.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

HDH Week 22

>> Wednesday, July 23

Hosted by Mercedes

maybe I'll just hold it in...

hmmm... a lot could happen here.. maybe I'll just walk..

adding more insult to injury.. shesh!

hmmmm.. what to do.. what to do..

So this is how bananas are called...

Married Life

>> Wednesday, July 9

Laugh about marriage here

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

a perfect illustration of marriage...

HDH 19th edition

>> Wednesday, July 2

more fun? click here!

Tough truck!

would you ride in this taxi cab? :)

The Royal Coach

and this one's my fav.....

Fast car...

Hump Day Humor #18

>> Wednesday, June 25

18th edition: think before you speak

Dinner conversation gone bad...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Shit."

Hump Day Humor week 17

>> Wednesday, June 18

Join us for more HDH scams

Support the needy researcher...

You can give him (the man above) this check...

Hump Day: Dieting

>> Wednesday, June 11

more diet humor

"Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever."

Some Facts About Diet

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.
A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.

"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies..."

Happy dieting everyone!! :)

Office humor

>> Wednesday, June 4

Hosted by Mercedes

Differences between you and your boss:

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.